The University of Toronto announces appointment of Professor I.M. Fracker, inaugural Troglodyte Chair of Fossil Futures
Professor Fracker has enjoyed a long and distinguished career in the development of non-conventional means of extracting oil and natural gas, and thus making significant and lasting contributions to perpetuating the fossilocene. This appointment and the funding associated with it will allow Professor Fracker to continue to advance his important research in the area of sustainable energy futures.
Commenting on his ground-breaking work, Professor Fracker said “This is fantastic. I am so excited to be able to, you know, keep drilling and cracking, finding new ways of ensuring a fossil future every bit as fossil fueled as the last 150 years if not more so. In my work, I have tried to take the challenge of sustainable development to heart by looking for ways to extract previously unavailable deposits of oil and gas and thus provide the fossil energy necessary to sustain our futures. I mean that is sustainable development, right, ‘sustained development of non-conventional fossil deposits?’ I actually use that as my screen saver as a way to keep me motivated.”
Professor Fracker’s truly earth shattering discoveries in the area of fracking technologies are widely recognized for their significance in enhancing fossil fuel supplies, particularly important to the most affluent nations of the world where fossil fuels underpin not only competitive economic advantage and military supremacy, but also most importantly, the lives of leisure enjoyed by the world’s most privileged citizens. Echoing the University of Toronto’s time honoured moto “velut arbor aevo sycophantus”, Professor Fracker humbly noted, “It is my great honour and privilege to help sustain the privilege of others more fortunate than I.”
Professor Fracker’s lifelong love affair with the non-conventional extraction of valuable resources from beneath the earth’s surface dates to his childhood. As he explained, “I remember the day. I must have been, oh, eight years old. I figured out how to rig the family dog up to a treadmill that powered a shovel which I used to dig up the yard in front of our house and thus allow me to look for pirate treasure. Of course, there was no treasure, but when my mother saw me, she yelled out ‘you little Fracker!’ and, well, something just clicked in my head. I knew what I was born to do.”
Responding to concerns that Professor Fracker’s research findings contribute to perpetuating post-colonial extractivism in the traditional territories of numerous First Nations in Canada, Professor Fracker acknowledged the issue, but said, “Look, we always do a truly heartfelt land acknowledgement before we start fracking things up as it were. So, I mean, what’s the issue? Besides, these people really don’t know much about land anyway. They have been sitting on all this oil and gas for thousands of years. Just letting it sit there. Unbelievable!”
Professor Fracker has also been at the forefront of defending continued development and use of fossil fuels in the face of criticism that the growing climate crisis can only be averted by a transition away from such fuels. Again, in his own words “Omelettes and eggs, people, omelettes and eggs. You cannot have the one without breaking a few of the other. When I frack up the rock holding fossil fuel deposits, I think of it as breaking the shells of eggs to make beautiful omelettes. If that means I have to shovel less snow from my drive each winter, well, it seems like a win-win to me. And, just think, soon it will be possible to run a jet ski all the way to the North Pole! Powered by fracked fuel I hope.”
The University of Toronto is truly grateful to the Troglodyte Foundation whose generous gift made this appointment possible. The Troglodyte Foundation’s core mission is to help secure the future by means of replicating the past, but on a larger scale.